My thoughts on the Erma Bombeck Poem

There are so many points this Erma Bombeck has nailed, at least where itconcerns me and my experience thru this whole thing. It is funny because the only father figure I have ever known is my step dadand he was PhD level trained minister. Super smart, could always accuratelyquote any scripture in the bible without reference with uncanny accuracy. Needless to say, religion was a major influence in my life growing up. My real father died of cancer when I was 2 weeks old, so I never knew of anyoneelse as a father. Anyway, life, and academia get in the way of religious pursuits. Aftertaking collegiate religion courses, I became very agnostic for a period of time. Yes, paradoxical but true. After my son was born, hearing countlesspeople make comments like "God only gives you what you can handle, he must think you are one special person etc..." I HATE when people say those thingsto me. I know they are well meaning, but it sounds so trite, meaningless and some what patronizing. Then I realize that is really social conditioning to be polite and try to bolster others in such seemingly horrific conditions. What could they really say "WOW, that SUX, I am SO GLAD it is NOT me this happened to, and I am so glad my child is being tested now for gifted etc."Of course they can't say that, but you know that is what most people are really thinking and feeling. That is natural. It is the same way I feel when I see a child suffering from cancer, or a child that is more medically fragile and involved than my son. Except for being tested for gifted (that is a pipe dream) I just interject that part with "thank god my son is walking."I believe very strongly that God did not choose me for this life ~ the life of mothering a special needs child. How could I possibly believe that? I was taught that our God is a loving, forgiving God etc. The thought that God would purposefully inflict this level of burden, heartache, responsibility on me is incomprehensible to everything I was taught about my God, the JudeoChristian God. Most of the traits Erma writes about most certainly describe me tho. I just don't believe that God chose me because I had those traits. I used to be so Happy, now I can find moments in any given day that can be construed as happy moments. But I am not the happy person I used to be. I don't know if I am unhappy per se, because I am so tired, drained, sleep deprived, stressed. I can say that I am not able to really fully access that level of happiness I had prior to having children. I still have an incredible sense of humor, but it doesn't show itself so much anymore. Patience is not one of my virtues. I am independent and don't care one iota what people think aboutme (sense of self I suppose). There are times nowadays that I am not evensure I believe anything I was taught as a child with regards to religion and I do have traits of selfishness. But those last 2 things really reared their ugly heads after years of doctors, therapists, physical bruises inflicted on me after a particularly bad seizure or tantrum of my son who is up to my shoulders now and he is only 7. After years of completely isolating myself and family for fear of going anywhere because my son would flip out for no apparent reason. Going to the grocery store usually occured after 2 am and before 4 am because my son didn't sleep thru the night until he was 6 and couldn't fall back asleep without me. It goes on and on. You know, most of you are there too. I do believe that God, at least the one I was brought up believing in, periodically interjects (intervenes) and puts comforting thoughts or feelings into my head or heart. Even gives me a different perspective at times. I believe he has allowed me to access parts of myself that appreciates things that most people regard as mundane, trivial or elementary. Just the other day, my son's tutor said "David made progress with language today." It happened 2 or 3 times before she could definitelymake out what he was saying, but it was definitley in context. Apparently,when my son would make an error on his homework, he would mutter "da_n it". Not darn, by the way. Typically, I wouldn't be thrilled my 7 year old was using profanity, but I was because he was spontaneously using words to describe frustration. As opposed to his usual throwing shoes across theroom, rolling around on floor and kicking the walls and screaming etc. So, Iwas thrilled at progress. That is just one example of God allowing me to see things in a different light. Progress is progress -now. The littlest accomplishment is noticed by me. The resentment part. That I still struggle with at times. That usually seems alot worse if I am really tired. So does depression, self pity and all of those other horrible emotions we all feel. I am grateful tho because myhusband usually can recognize when I am starting down that spiral of self defeating behaviors and just says. Go to bed, stay in bed and SLEEP. And make sure you take one of your sleeping pills so you don't wake up 39 times tonight. There is alot to be said about that old adage "aint nobody happy if momma aint happy."