Music can be so prolific
This is a lengthy post, .....It seems as if time is so fluid, at least these last years after my son was born. I can hardly use that as the all excuse explanation as he is now 7. But, I do remember either this past New Years or last New Years having a cryfest. After my son was born, we knew there were going to be long term difficulties and we sat down and discussed our options. As I only had amasters degree to pay back in student loans and he had 2 law degrees to payback, we decided he had a better chance of making the income needed to make the loan payments. Low and behold, I stayed home and he went back to work. Did I dream of staying home with my children and fostering their development???NO. NO. NO. Isn't that what Nannies do? At least most of our friends have nannies that do that. Well paid nannies might I add. Anyway, my husband has a wonderful outlet during most of his waking hours. He gets tohave intellectually challenging discussions about all sorts of topics. He gets to eat in the best restaurants in town for client development, he gets to go to interesting seminars, meet innovative people etc. I get the priviledge of escorting my child to various therapies, specialists, evaluations, tutors, etc. Am I complaining, well not exactly. I am grateful for having a family that is intact. Did I envision this life, NO. Do I feel as tho I am a single mom with a roomate that shares childcarer esponsibilities a couple of hours a week? YES. We have a typicallydeveloping child and a special needs child. Because I have absolutely no desire to see Speed Racer, and other mundane, mindnumbing movies and such, I do let my husband experience those typical experiences with our other son. I think I can count on one hand the times my husband has taken our special needs child out on an excursion by himself without the other son. It just doesn't happen very often. I certainly wish things were different. But if I forced the issue, I know that when they came back, the reprucussions would last days. Oh, and did I mention I would be the one to deal with those 'reprocussions?' Sometimes, most of the time, it is just easier to bite the bullet and acquiesce. My life won't be the life of the typical soccer mom that cheers her child obliviously from the sidelines hoping for that perfect goal. Iwon't be that obnoxious mom who talks about her child knowing their multiplication tables by the time they were 6, knowing 3 languages by the time they entered 1st grade. But that is the life I lead. Back to my cryfest on New Years Eve. I happened to google a girl I was best friends with in middle school. We went to different High Schools and by college had lost touch. Much to my pride as well as my dismay, I discovered my dear friend became a world class photographer with websites (plural)dedicated to praising her multiple works and world class awards. Her works were in things like Newsweek, Time, US Worlds News and Report, Natinoal Geographic. In her field, she had won the equivalent to an Oscar, Emmy, Tonyetc. multiple times. Needless to say, I felt, well you can imagine what Ifelt. As our friendship rekindled, I was in awe of her accomplishments, yet she was envious of me. OF ME???? Certainly, she was mistaken. As it turns out, we all make sacrifices....They are just different, but we all envy ther ewards the other achieves. Isn't that ironic? the grass is always greener on the other side....My dear hubbie bought me a new IPOD for Christmas as I happened to wash my old one in the laundry one day. He is content to let it play what it wants, when it wants so he was willing to take the washed one. Before he had a chance to clear out my entries and add his own music, he had a chance to listen to my songs. He came home on New Years Eve and proclaimed......"I know why you are so damned depressed all the time..." He continued to tell me "the music on your ipod makes me want to slit my wrists, drown my sorrows in tequila, wish my mom died, want to kill myself and jump off a cliff kind of music." Didn't think Sarah McLaughlin, Coldplay etc was that moody. Anyway, I have purpopsely tried to steer clear from those entries until today. I remembered a song that was recorded by Rob Thomas or Matchbox 20. It was my anthem, and still is but to a MUCH lesser degree. The adage is true, time does heal wounds. Anyway, the song as I interpreted it was Rob Thomas singing about someone else (I interpretted it as me singing to my former self). He uses I and You as main characters of this song. When Ithink of it, I think of I as me now, and You as my former self pre kids. Here are the lyrics. Maybe some of you can relate. Maybe you can havecomfort from the words too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhthMXtz4Sc
Something is wrong with the sum of us
That I can't seem to erase
How can I be the only one
Without a smile on my face
Well now, you're laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive
And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight
You show your pain like it really hurts
And I can't even start to feel mine
Well, I'm standing in place
With my head first and I shake, I shake
I see your progress stretchedout for miles and miles
You're laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive, yeah
And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight
Is is the sound that I make
These are the words I chose
Somehow the right thing to say
Just won't come out
Just won't come out
And you're laughing out loud
At the thought of being alive
And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight
Who would have thought Rob Thomas would have had such a pulse on what Iwas going thru.
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